I returned within minutes to find Terrie on the couch. I walked over, sat next to her and hugged her for a long time without speaking. Fortunately, I had been practicing this lately–that is, simply being with Terrie and staying silent. Like many men, I have a tendency to talk too much, especially when I’m sure I can solve the “problem” with my words of wisdom.

Eventually, we began to process the whole event by talking it out. We learned (not surprisingly) that a rather mundane set of incidents had turned into an emotional encounter because we had brought our baggage from the past into play–mostly unconsciously (at the time). Our commitment to processing our “stuff” as quickly as possible brings the shadow baggage into the light, where it can be transmuted into acceptance, greater understanding and more intimacy.

After being sick over the holidays…and that not going the way I wanted it to [insert expectations here]…I discovered I had an expectation of how I wanted New Year’s Eve to be since I was feeling somewhat better. It wasn’t conscious at first, but it was there alright in the undercurrent of my emotions. I was quiet most of the day, contemplative. What I didn’t realize was that I had set my beloved partner and myself up for disappointment.

It played out in my head how I wanted the night to go. I wanted to connect with him and share our first new year’s together as “something special to remember”. I wanted to feel open, feel our hearts as one. Yet, because I had this expectation lurking underground, I was already shut down to my heart. My heart expected to be disappointed because my head told it so.

It could have been a disaster, but as it turned out, Jeff questioned me. Through that process I realized I had expectations of how I wanted our connecting and our night together to be. When it didn’t go that way, I felt let down and saddened. There was an instant wall between us. As we talked honestly and I let it go, it became magical. Both our hearts opened and the energy was flowing…our hearts felt as one.

Not only did we transmute a situation that could have escalated into an argument and ruined the entire evening, we transcended it. We were able to go above ourselves and observe what was going on underneath, sharing genuinely. We were able to accept the humanness of the moment and move into the divinity that presented itself, which led to ringing in the New Year in ways I hadn’t even imagined…or expected.

How have you let expectations get in the way of intimacy and possibly ruining what could have been a beautiful time together? Do you communicate your expectations so your partner knows what is important to you? Or do you suffer silently when your expectations aren’t met and build a case against intimacy?

First, I needed to let go. I wasn’t able to carry on the normal, every day tasks of running a household and caring for two teenage boys let alone preparing for the holidays. I had to let go of what that looked like—the expectations I had of others and myself. I had to ask for things I needed. I had to let someone care for me, which meant I had to let go of all the past relationships and how others weren’t able to show up for me during illness or surgeries long past or how I wasn’t able to ask for their help. I had to redefine the role I played in our relationship and the role my Beloved played. On one level he became the Father archetype with its core values in the forefront.

Carol Myss, in Sacred Contracts defines the archetype of Father as: talent for creating and initiating with the ability to oversee others. Characteristics of courage and protectiveness. A True Father guides and shields those under his care, sacrificing his own desires when that’s appropriate.

It felt foreign to me thinking of my Beloved in that role, carrying that energy, with me nonetheless, sure with his children, but not with me. Actually I was downright resistant to that thought at first. Now I understand more of Father from the viewpoint of an archetypal energy. There’s such a clearer, Divine understanding of what that means to me now. Sure, Jeff was in the role of Father, meaning protective, guiding, appropriately sacrificing, and yet still taking care of himself. I was relieved he was also taking care of himself. That was essential to me in letting him care for me.

I have not been in partnership with a man that truly defined the Light around this archetype…until now. I had not been in a partnership with someone I trusted to take care of me and still take care of himself…until now. I surrendered and he was present, loving me in what I felt was one of my weakest moments without resentment, judgment or expectation of some sort of payback. I learned to let go and welcome true, intimate support in my life. I am grateful for the gift and lessons this experience has brought. It has enhanced and expanded our Divine Intimacy!

Terrie and I have a lot in common when it comes to spirituality. This is certainly one of the major factors that brought us together as a couple.  We have enjoyed developing simple rituals or ceremonies we can share together that bring us closer on a soul level. 

For example, we have adopted a ceremony that we share together nearly every day:  honoring or “calling in” the directions. We honor seven directions: East, South, West, North, Down (Earth), Up (Sky) and Within (Heart). When we get to the seventh direction (within/heart), we recite the following affirmation (not an original, though I can’t recall the source): 

May our hearts be in the heart of the Universe,
May the heart of the Earth be in our hearts,
May our hearts be in heart of the Earth,
May the heart of the Universe be in our hearts,
May my (Jeff’s) heart be in your (Terrie’s) heart,
May my (Terrie’s) heart be in your (Jeff’s) heart,
And may our two hearts beat as one.

(NOTE: We speak the last three lines of the mantra while standing face-to-face, heart-to-heart and eyes-to-eyes.)

Jeff

What I discovered in our process was that I disconnected from him because old tapes were running below the surface. Past tapes of things others I was in relationship said and did and things I did and believed were true about me. Things that were buried behind other things. I disconnected because I believed I needed to understand WHY I felt disconnected before I could bring it to the relationship…NOT TRUE as I further discovered! What a relief!

When I did speak to Jeff about my disconnection later, I still didn’t have much of a clue. Through his loving support and my willingness, I began to understand what happened. I disconnected because I feared judgment and retribution…neither had anything to do with Jeff at all or the current situation. It was my emotional reaction to the past, on some level judging myself. Through sharing my process of self-discovery with Jeff we both had the opportunity to learn and grow. I felt my heart open and the energy flow. I felt the love and compassion that was present between us and for myself with my newfound clarity. If I had chosen not to share my process we would not have the tool I mentioned earlier either.

This tool is simply to state to the other: “I am feeling disconnected.” These four words alone, for us, will open a door to further discovery and a deepening of connection and intimacy in our lives—within ourselves and each other. To share the deepest, darkest, scariest part of myself with another opens my heart, brings light to it and heals it. What words open you up to more intimacy, more capacity for love and compassion, with yourself, your Beloved, within your relationships, within your life?  Terrie

PRACTICE #1

There are times when one of us–for whatever reason–is feeling relatively distant from the other.  For example, an event or a  discussion could trigger some of our “programming” from the past, resulting in one of us feeling hurt or perhaps angry–not necessarily directly at the other person, either.  As you know, feelings of hurt or anger tend to make us shut down and go inside ourselves.  Or worse yet, we strike out at someone, often the very people we love.

We have made an agreement that whenever one of us feels distant from the other, we will simply say:  “I am feeling disconnected from you right now.”   When the other person hears this, we know it is time to stop, focus in and be prepared to listen.  Perhaps the person feeling disconnected will need to be prompted by a question or two, such as “What happened?”  or “Why are you feeling disconnected?”  By stopping to pay focused attention to each other, we open a doorway to connection and healing.  It has been amazing to experience the warm, wonderful feelings we have toward each other after we have taken the time to express a feeling of disconnection and address it directly with each other with compassion and love.

PRACTICE #2

The second practice is a proactive approach to maintaining quality connection with each other on a daily basis.  We have committed to each other that on a daily basis (one or MORE times each day) we will remember to simply stop and say to the other “Let’s connect” (or something similar).  That means we stop whatever we are doing and get in touch with each other in a focused way.  Usually, this means hugging and making deep eye contact.  WARNING:  Look out, because there’s no telling where these conscious connection moments can lead–if you know what I mean!           JEFF

Sometimes we choose to share a heart orgasm when time is short and we crave a significant connection experience.  Or, we may share a heart orgasm after a session of physical lovemaking.  Each time the experience is a uniquely special one, and we always feel a deep sense of our oneness.

WHY NOT TRY HAVING A HEART ORGASM WITH YOUR INTIMATE PARTNER, THEN LET US KNOW WHAT YOU EXPERIENCED.    JEFF    

NOTE:  If you are not familiar with the human energy body and the energy centers called the “chakras”, just look up “chakras” on the internet, or check your local bookstore for books on this topic.

When she told me about the second synchronicity, I got really excited and said “You know, it’s so cool when these things happen, but somehow I don’t feel that I am even giving them the significance they truly deserve.”  Writing this blog is part of my attempt to do so–that is, to acknowledge the connection between us that clearly transcends the limitations of space.  Some people call this telepathy.  Carl Jung called it synchronicity.  Whatever you call it, I think it is important that we acknowledge it, celebrate it and express gratitude for it.  It’s fun!  And it’s just another example of divine intimacy.

PLEASE SEND US A COMMENT AND SHARE AN EXPERIENCE OF SYNCHRONICITY/TELEPATHY BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR INTIMATE PARTNER!        JEFF

The meaning of intimacy is clear, I think, even though it may look different for each couple.  Intimacy is a conscious choice that two people in relationship make, whereby we seek a deeper level of interaction and connection with each other.  But what makes a relationship “divine”?  For Terrie and I, this means several things.  First, our relationship is an entity in itself, to be cherished, protected and nurtured.  Thus it is something distinct from our individual selves, though it cannot exist without our participation, of course.  Second, spirituality is absolutely central in our relationship.  The awareness of the sacred, especially when we maintain this awareness “in the moment”, creates a quality to our relationship which we call the “divine”.  Seeing our relationship as divine enhances our sense of gratitude for what we experience together.  We actually SEE the divine in each other, for example, when we connect with our souls, especially through extended eye contact.  In fact, we see each other as incarnations of the god and the goddess, especially during lovemaking, which we find takes our sexual experience to a wonderful, expanded dimension.      JEFF